| Apparitions In My Mind |
[Tuesday, March 25th, 2008||09:35 pm] |
I don't know why I shoot the way I shoot. I see things which appeal to me but I never really think if it appeals to other people. I'm a believer that people will come look at my images if they like what I shoot. This is my personal work. I shoot what I feel. My non-personal work will be commercial ads. It is in fact, the exact opposite of the term "personal work". I shoot what the client wants.
I feel that it is so important for everyone to have their personal work - no matter what their industrial trades are. Besides photographers, I love designers and illustrators. They are so so so talented; especially the illustrators. We all story tell and we all fabricate at one point or another. There is no escaping. This is what everyone does, no?
Also, one of my best friends is newly engaged. I am so happy for her. |
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| One Fine Day |
[Tuesday, March 25th, 2008||12:01 am] |
Sometimes I wonder what it means to be a photographer? Last year, we were all in the same boat. This year, we get into out own boats and set adrift on our own paths. We decide our paths - photojournalists, fashion photographers, studio photographers and editorial photographers.
I chose to be a studio photographer. I like being in a studio. The total control over my shoot or studio is comforting. Yet, the fact that you are the only one in control is terrifying. There is no "I don't know what to do next" or "I don't know how to solve this lighting problem". Everyone will look at you and ask you "what's next?". The art director will point at the screen and tell you his "artistic opinion". I will look at him, I might even think what he's requesting for is utterly un-artistic and ridiculous. At one point, I will get frustrated and will want to scream at him, "do you want to hold the camera?!". I come from a family of photographers so I've heard plenty of these "horror" stories. My mentors are realistic. When I ask them what do we do when we come across situations like these, they reply that they give their opinions but if the art director still wants it that way, we do what they want us to.
I wonder what it's like to be a fashion photographer. At one point, I wanted to be. Then, I drifted away because I thought it was too superficial. Now, I'm contemplating on the vision of a fashion photographer. A Sydney photographer I met told me to take fashion photography. I think I offended him when I told him I thought it was superficial. I hope I didn't tell him that. I hope I said, "I can't. I can't talk to people and bring out the flamboyant side of me which will be needed to bring out theirs".
What will the future be like? Will I be able to hold my ground properly in a studio in the future? Will I be able to solve problems that arise in a shoot? Will I ever learn to be proper friends with light?
It's always like me to over-question and fear the future. To doubt myself and then get mad at people who seem like they're doubting me. In the first place, I shouldn't even doubt myself. I will be a photographer. One fine day.
P/S: Yes, that is my feet and they're terribly scrawny. People tend to laugh at my scrawny feet. Don't you start.
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| Reaching Out |
[Saturday, March 22nd, 2008||05:32 pm] |
How does it feel like to be lost and vulnerable?
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| A Broken Record |
[Monday, March 3rd, 2008||04:06 pm] |
Sometimes, you feel like you don't have the guts for living this life. And sometimes, you get so mad at the man who fucked you up so bad and you question how did that ever happen. Sometimes, you get so fed up. Sometimes, you just hide everything inside and at times, you let everything out and beg for someone to just help you out.
You wish you can erase everything and start from scratch.
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| That Song Is Stuck In My Head |
[Wednesday, February 27th, 2008||02:11 am] |
So, have you heard of that song where it goes "go west, life is peaceful there"?
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| The Smell of A Black Sweater |
[Tuesday, February 5th, 2008||07:11 pm] |
I want to translate stories from my heart and head into my pictures for as long as I can. I am not a good writer nor am I a good photographer. And yet, I want to be a collector but I want to be collected too. There is this tiny spherical shape that I place myself into. It's truly wonderful because you disengage yourself from yourself. It has to be a sphere because it's not lethal in that way. In this spherical shape, I usually create untrue stories about this girl I know of. She is neither alive nor dead. She merely exists in a one dimensional way. This girl - this girl is fantastic because she makes all dreams come true and endless possibility is in her touch. I think I am in love with the idea of such a being.
Reset.
Do you know what a black sweater smells like? It smells of so many different emotions - of safety and security, of lust, of uncertainty, of guilt, of happiness, of hope, of the new old familiarity, of the sweetness of daydreaming and most importantly, of a new beginning as a new half.
I love that black sweater.
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| Set A Sail The Ship of Boredom for I Am The Captain of It |
[Monday, February 4th, 2008||04:29 pm] |
So bored. So artistically challenged as of now. I lack of inspiration lately. I want to be surrounded by wonderfully artistic people. I'm pretty bored of lurking around online. Blogs of friends are starting to be really static. I know of a wonderful talented person but he doesn't shoot for fun. I wonder why. I would like to view his work and what he sees through his eyes but he doesn't ever interest himself into shooting personal work. I think he would produce beautiful portraitures. He would bring my portraitures to shame.
I have rediscovered my love for a Japanese rocker. I only wish he wasn't a hard core rocker. He's so beautiful with his plucked eyebrows and amazing complexion. I read his autobiography and he was very honest to admit he was addicted to sex with women when he was younger. Almost like a vampire, he wrote. At least I know he isn't gay. Every photographer has a favorite person to shoot, I presume. I haven't found my person yet. I want it to be my Japanese rocker. Him in variants of ambiances, him with life, him with skin on skin, him with precious moments.
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| I Stare At You Right In The Eye |
[Sunday, February 3rd, 2008||06:52 pm] |
Why is it that we doubt ourselves in certain times? Why do we doubt others? Why do we doubt the amount of happiness we have? Why do we question our other halves? Why do we not know what we want even though we know what we want? Why does love exist in a complicated manner? Why do we worry unnecessarily in such a crazy amount about things which are never certain? Why do we want so much more than what we are having? Why do we overthink things? What am I trying to understand? What am I seeing through my viewfinder? Why do I judge others? Why do others judge me? When will I finally be me? When will I be free of my inner demons and my sins? When will you stop coming to see me in my dreams - in forms of ghouls and ghosts?
This is about to explode. I don't understand why we are born this way. I need something to fall back onto. I am questioning too much and I am doubting too much. I live my life the way everyone lives theirs. I make friends and I live in a society, well-hidden and invisible.
Sometimes, I want to be reborn. No scars, no experiences, no old me.
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| Nude Blinds |
[Saturday, February 2nd, 2008||02:13 pm] |
There is this tangled mess in my head. Its presence is ever so disturbing. Much to clear. Much to settle. It's not glitter dust, just dust. Ever annoying dust. I'm waiting for it to settle but I have to start working on settling it myself. If I wait, it'll take me too long and I may already be crazy by then.
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| Colored Lenses of Irony |
[Sunday, January 20th, 2008||12:23 am] |
Everything's changed. I don't know how many days has it been. We've managed to manifest this huge void between the both of us. It never used to be like this. One day, it just happened. I've always seen your future and it always had me in it. Always doesn't mean anything if it's in past tense. Past tense is always so fatal. A has been, that was us.
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